"shine shine shine"

I'm back at school.
Good thing?
God has taught me so so very much in the past week.
I appreciate His grace and His words. (words=what He has said to me not what He has written to me, although I do appreciate what He has written but that isn't really how I have learned to hear Him...)
He has talked with me daily about pride. men. hope. and a list of other beautiful things.
I'm learning to cherish Him even more and to show myself a little less.
I'm learning to not plan for the future, but plan to hear His voice.
I'm learning that He is my favorite speaker and my favorite lover.
I'm learning that He watches me when I stand on cliffs and He watched me when I cry.
I'm learning to remember Him at all times and to cherish Him at all times.
I have learned all these things before, but like so many Christians we learn the same thing over and over again. I don't mind.

Learning from a clear voice is kinda precious.

"How sweet the sound"

The amount of time I've spent on this laptop is equal to the number of hours I spent at my garage sale this morning...rather ridiculous.



Well...

Carl and I got in a fight today because I wanted to watch CSI and he was pretty set on 'Malibu's most wanted'...yeah i don't know?

We both stormed off to our rooms;

his- painted red and dark gray resembling a whore house in my opinion

mine-light pink with to many things that are going back to LA (too many things I'm not sure if i should bring back with me)

I tried to distract myself with Michael Phelps and my messy room but my thought kept going back to the baby I was mad at (Carl)
I wasn't really angry that he was a jerk over the t.v. that i can get over
I was mad that he purposely sets himself apart from us to create a fight. I was mad that he cant deal with sitting in the same room as his family, I was mad that he cant smoke in front of me without feeling that he is being judged. I was mad that hes not yet fixed.

So i sat down and read some of the book of Daniel and Proverbs and then I walked out to apologize because I am a person of guilt and worry. He accepted it and we continues to watch something terrible on channel 62 (my least favorite channel)

Then Carl got up and walked to his room and came out with a lacrosse stick and i felt this smile creep on my face because it has been so long since i have seen him pick up that stick. He walked to the backyard and started picking lemons off our tree and throwing them at the back wall.

I walked out and sat next to our tortes and I watched Carl play. He commented on how much he missed the sport and I told him I missed him playing (and his coach).

We talked about random things like lemons and turtles and lacrosse. And then we went inside. But before we made it through the patio room and into the dinning room I picked up his guitar and asked him to teach me a song.

He said no and then walked inside.

...and then after a second he walked out again and sat down with me. He put my fingers in the right place, and i got it all wrong. So he put his fingers in the right place and told me to strum. And somehow we put together a song. After a few seconds he got up and walked inside.

I was left with a guitar that I didn't know how to play in a room and would soon be tore down. I continued to play different cords that didn't sound good. And then I heard something that sounded familiar. I continued to pluck the strings until I realized the song...
'Amazing Grace'
...and there i was with tears in my eyes for a number of reasons, but the main one being that there is such a thing as grace. It will one day transform a lemon throwing lacrosse player that cannot seem to look at his sister in the eye.

Grace will remind him of his youth, and lame as it sounds grace will bring him home.

"dry eyes in the pouring rain"

My heart is heavy for Miles and Essie tonight.
But the Lord is faithful and the Lord is good

"Whats left to lose?"

I'm drinking a glass of lemonade my mom just made me.
I'm reading old journal entries in old green college rule notebooks.
(I wish I remembered everything I wrote down. I wrote things assuming I would remember exactly what I was talking about...I wrote as if I would always know.)

I'm waiting for a phone call that probably wont come tonight.
I'm packing for another trip, I thought I would leave in a week but I just realized I leave tomorrow.
I'm ready to write a book on this summer and how helpless it has been.
I'm hating how negative I have become regarding this summer.
but I don't want to start over...I was taught a lot this summer about giving and serving and fear and flesh. (I was taught a lot about me)

"Word of God speak"

Remind me of this.

"There is no fear in love.
But perfect love drives out fear,
because fear has to do with punishment.
The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
We love because He first loved us"

1 John 4:18

"I've paid a price"

Psalm 142
A maskil of David. When he was in the cave. A prayer. [a]

1 I cry aloud to the LORD; I lift up my voice to the LORD for mercy...

3 When my spirit grows faint within me, it is you who know my way...

5 I cry to you, O LORD; I say, "You are my refuge, my portion in the land of the living."

6 Listen to my cry, for I am in desperate need; rescue me from those who pursue me, for they are too strong for me.

7 Set me free from my prison, that I may praise your name.

Then the righteous will gather about me because of your goodness to me.

...one day i fainted.