back when all this happened a few years ago you were different. you were different than today. you were the one i went to when i thought my family was moving to Germany. I sat on the driveway waiting for julie to drive up and i cried out to you. i went to you when i was caught in between the silliness and drama of life. i went to you when i lied to my parents and when i couldn't figure out maturity... and i went to you when we lost jen and david and james and matt and trevor and candy. but i approached you with such a distance. i yelled out to you and asked how you could take away these people from this group. i questioned and cried and fought and mourned.
and then last week happened. we lost another one. i cant believe we lost another. and i didn't go to you. cause i didn't really know how. i've always approached you with distance when it comes to death and now i have cried alone and tried to heal alone. away from Camarillo where everyone is grieving and i'm here trying to make sense of this all over again. and i cant. because you're different now. you've changed and moved and shaken me up and challenged me to acknowledge you even when life sucks. you've called me out of my old self and called me into you presence. and you have asked to carry my burden. this burden of grief and pain and sadness that i wouldn't let you have in 2002 or 2003 or 2004. (you're grace was over 2005). but you're asking for it now. and i'm trying to learn to hand it to you. i'm not very good at giving you my grief... i've learned to hold it and let it define me. we've all learned to let it define us. and we're tired of it. because we're just tired.
but it's yours. my grief and my pain is yours. i trust you to heal me. i trust you to be the one i run to with full-abandon even when you take and take and take some more. i trust you to not let this define me but to let you're work in this define me. you're faithful to do this.
